


The Raven and the Doe

by Ridingthewindsofheaven



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape Friendship, Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Other, POV Severus Snape, Severitus | Severus Snape is Harry Potter's Parent, Severus Snape Has a Heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2019-10-06 03:24:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17337680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ridingthewindsofheaven/pseuds/Ridingthewindsofheaven
Summary: While searching his office for potion ingredients Severus comes across an old forgotten box filled with memories. Memories that had been obliterated return to him. Turns out that what happened during the First Wizarding War was very different to what he remembered.





	1. Items to be found

**Author's Note:**

> Note: I have written it so that Severus, Lily and the Marauders are ten years older than they are in cannon.

May 1995

“Where is that stupid bottle of bile?” Severus muttered under his breath.

Severus fumbled around his office searching for a vile of armadillo bile. He needed it for a potion of enhanced wit-sharpening that he was brewing on a commission. It was proving to be more difficult than intended as it had been a while since he had to brew this potion and stocks were already low on potion supplies. Armadillo bile was a common and plentiful ingredient but what he wanted was the more uncommon aged variety. The stronger, the better.

“Those little shits,” Severus muttered to himself, “Always getting into my supplies and stealing my ingredients. Potter stole my Gillyweed for the Tournament. I know it.” 

And yet, Dumbledore would not allow him to cast a protection spell over his office and supply room. According to Albus using magic to prevent people stealing his belongings was ‘unethical’ to Hogwarts standard and that it had been a rule for over six hundred years that teachers were not allowed to ‘hinder a student’s curiosity’. In reality, Albus probably didn’t want Severus to cast charms that he did not approve of. 

‘Its not cruel, Albus,’ Severus thought, ‘If it counts as self defence. I’m defending my stuff.’

Searching through his office was a more bothersome task than it needed to be. Severus had never been a neat and tidy person. There were glass flasks everywhere filled with various substances with varying amounts of fullness. The flasks had labels small, faded and starting to peel. Piles of paper and books were filled to the ceiling. He could always whisk it all away with a swish of his wand but he needed the chaos. He made sure of that casting ‘accio’ did not work in this room. It made things harder for other people to find but at the same time even he found it hard to find what he wanted.

Frustrated, he got down on his hands and knees to search the ingredient boxes on the floor for the right vial. 

In the corner of his eye, he noticed it, a wobbly tile on the floor that looked like it could easily be removed. He lifted it up gently. At the bottom was a small box. He lifted it up carefully and opened it up slowly. He couldn't think of anyone else who could have put it there. Inside was a small collection of vials that were filled with a silvery cloudy substance that was part gas part liquid. There was obviously an extension charm on the box as there was more content than the box could logically carry. They contained memories to view in a pensieve. 

The box came with a note, in his handwriting:

‘Dear Severus, contained within these vials are your memories of the first wizarding war. Albus wanted to obliviate them as a part of his ‘master plan’ but I am sure I/we will find these vials and review them. I hope you find these before it is too late. I like to think that we have managed to fully outwit Albus. We may have always worked for him for all these years but he is not our master. I hope you find these memories both useful and illuminating. From Severus.’

He looked at the note for a minute and a tinge of deja vu came to him. He definitely put these here. Even if he did not specifically remember it. All the vials were dates and placed into an odd sort of order. He walked over to the pensieve and dusted it off.

He muttered to himself, “Well, I think I should start now.”  
He begun with the earliest memory which was labelled: ‘June 1965.’

0000000

June 1965

He was transported back to the day after James Potter had humiliated him by flipping him upside down. He was standing outside the entrance to the Gryffindor common room. He was trying to win Lily back after he called her a ‘mudblood’. He remembered the beautiful long hair she had back then. He also remembered the obnoxious aqua eyeshadow she used to wear. He guessed he had to remember both the good and the bad.

“- my friends don’t understand why I even talk to you!”  
“Lil, I’m sorry. I lashed out in anger. I didn’t mean it.”  
“Sev,” Lily rolled her eyes, “I told you to not let Potter get to you. He only wants attention and he really likes pushing your buttons.”  
“He wants YOUR attention more like it.”  
She sighed, “This isn’t about that. Whatever Potter says or does is irrelevant. I don’t care. It's about what you’re doing. You hang around those goons. They are future Death Eaters. You’ll be one too if you continue on this path. Look at what Mulciber did to Mary Macdonald.”  
Severus watched his younger self look at the ground and think about what he wanted to say next. He knew the response would be different to what he remembered.  
“I’m sorry. I’m being an asshole. I’ll stop. I can change.”  
She looked at him with a side glance, “Then fucking prove it. Show me that you’re not an asshole.”  
He always thought Lily liked him in her own way but this was a curious look. She was testing him.

0000000000

Severus took his head out of the pensieve. It was fantastic but where was the evidence that this was actually real. He wanted it to be real. He looked around some more in the box and came across some photographs and a handwritten note in an envelope. 

There were three pictures in the box. One was a photo of Lily and himself smiling and laughing together underneath the shade of a tree. They both looked like they were very young at the time, barely out of Hogwarts. They were obviously happy together but he could tell that he was nervous in the picture. He knew this would not last. He was worried he would lose her.

A second was of two boys, one was a very chubby blond boy in a cat costume and the other, much smaller boy, was a brown haired boy in a mouse outfit. It was a non-moving muggle photograph that looked like it was most likely a preschool photo. He guessed that they were about four or five. He did not know who either of the boys were but he felt a pang of grief at the sight of the smaller. There was a deep sense of loss.

The last picture was not a photo but a sketch of a doe with a raven on its back in the forest. He recognised Lily’s work. He recognised the line work and the pastel colouring anywhere. Lily’s art was always fine, realistic and feminine in style. 

If any of these pictures were as real as they looked, that would mean that about three decades of his life had been rewritten.

He delicately opened the letter. He was happy to see that it was in Lily’s writing.

‘Sev, remember when we were kids playing in the park at Cokeworth? You told me that you would look after me always. Please look after Harry for me. Give him all the love you gave me. He will be our only child as I know I will not survive to see the end of this war but Harry might. I wish we could run away together but I know that isn't meant to be. I’ve always loved you, Lily.’

At the end of her note, in scrawled up writing that was almost illegible he had written:  
‘I BETRAYED YOU IN THE END DIDN’T I? I don’t know what you saw in me.’

Was Harry his son? Severus read and reread the note several times over. Was that bratty and arrogant little trouble seeker actually his son and not James'? It all seemed legitimate. He started to feel like this was familiar. Severus' hands were starting to shake. Although, at this stage he did not know what his other comments were about but he sure wanted to know.

The thing about memory charms is that the more elaborate and encompassing they are, the more delicate they were. If one memory returned or was reintroduced, other memories related to the event would return as well. The bigger the secret, the harder it was to remain a secret. Even Dumbledore, arguably the most powerful magic caster in this day and age, could not exempt his own magic from this. Especially when modifying the memory of someone as mentally complex as himself.

He looked at the photo of the two boys again.The smaller boy looked a lot like Lily (thankfully) with the large green eyes, round nose and light freckles but he had the same straight brown hair as Severus’ mother Eileen as well as Severus’ ears. At a guess, Harry’s appearance had been modified to look a lot like James Potter. The fat boy would have been Dudley Dursley, his cousin through Petunia. With blond curly hair, chubby pink cheeks and a up-turned nose, the boy really did look like a little pig.

A memory came back to him, he was pushing a younger Harry on a set swings in a park. He was feeling proud of the boy.

“Seven, I’ve always said that Dudley looks like a pig in a wig” said the small boy as he was being pushed, “but Auntie and Uncle won’t listen.”  
“I don’t think you are wrong but I don’t think you should have said that,” he told the boy, “Dudley shouldn’t be given so much sweets, it's not good for him.”  
“Dudley was being naughty the other day and he was throwing pencils at Jessica and calling her a giraffe,” Harry continued his story, “I told him that he was one to talk because he looked like a pig in a wig. All the other kids in the classroom laughed. Dudley was so mad.”  
Severus smirked, the kid took after him more than he originally thought.  
“Did you get in trouble?”  
“Dudley punched me later but it was worth it.”

Severus stumbled for a minute, he wondered what other memories would come for him. He wondered if Harry remembered any of this from his childhood. The only way he would be sure of this is if he reviewed more of his memories. He also needed to review more memories and find more evidence to support this that this was the real version of events.

He looked around his office for the next hour to see if there were any other secrets hidden under any tiles but there didn’t seem to be anything else. His body was trembling out of shock. However, he did eventually manage to find the vial of Armadillo bile that he was looking for.


	2. The Potion tells the Truth

“WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING LONGBOTTOM?!”

The boy looked at his cauldron and stammered, “Adding wormwood?”

“Are you thick or what? For the last three years or so I’ve told everyone not to mix wormwood into ground occamy scales unless they wanted to blow up the entire classroom.”  
The boy’s hands shook as he put the wormwood back into his ingredient box and looked for the correct ingredient which was hazelwood not wormwood.

The boy was a clumsy fool. As brilliant as Frank and Alice Longbottom had once been before they were tortured insane, their son was practically a squib. He had neither the attention span nor memory capability for potion making or magic in general. Frank and Alice had been several years above himself at school and were both Gryffindor prefects. He remembered they took a blind eye to what the Marauders did to him at school. 

He watched as Neville looked down on his instruction book and looked towards Hermione Granger.

He sighed and rolled his eyes, “I want you to craft this potion without Granger’s help for once.”

He noticed Hermione look up at him with resentment. The bratty know-it-all annoyed him. Without her, none of the Gryffindor boys in his class would have passed Potions. She allowed them to leech off of her. Granger was also one of Potter’s friends, something that also annoyed him. She then returned to her cauldron but not before she muttered something in Longbottom’s direction.

“Five points from Gryffindor,” he said with a sneer in her direction, “Let Longbottom complete his own work Miss Granger.”

She pouted and said nothing. Using legilimency he could see her frustration at how unfair she found his classes. As if he cared. The world wasn’t fair little miss perfect. 

He watched as the fifth year Slytherins and Gryffindors completed their work in silence. It was their OWLs testing this year and although it was only October already they looked nervous. They had started back at school only a week ago. He watched as they struggled as they got towards the end - Growing Potions became more complicated towards the end. Some of them were creating potions of acceptable standard but most of them were mediocre.

Malfoy had just finished placing his cauldron contents into a flask with confidence. The boy was adept at potion making but that was purely because his mother was tutoring him. As a student in general he was average but Severus wanted to be in Lucius’ good books so he would give the boy praise every now and again. His lackeys, Crabbe and Goyle, were as thick as rocks and had managed to make a mess again. Every year Severus would pass them so that they did not have to repeat a year at Hogwarts and prolong his own suffering in trying to teach them. 

The other students were fairly unremarkable. Most of them minded their own business and completed their work at varying capabilities. With the exception of Granger and Malfoy, none were particularly skilled or interested in potion making. 

Then there was Potter, who was in a separate category of his own. The boy usually argued and fought with him on a regular basis. Before he had found the secret box of memories stashed in his office a few weeks ago, Severus had believed that the boy was too much like James to his liking. Both were gifted Quidditch players and had a habit of getting into all sorts of trouble. Harry was a young miniature of James in appearance.

Or so he thought. The more he thought about Harry the less he saw James. Harry had more of Lily’s sensitive and anxious personality. He was the recipient of bullying rather than the perpetrator. Although he would break school rules and get himself into mischief intentionally or not, he did not gloat in it as James would have done. 

Severus had not reviewed any other memories in his pensieve. He wanted to know if there was a vague possibility that Harry was in fact his son. If not, it would make the flasks irrelevant to him.

At this moment, Harry was concentrating on his potion and keeping to himself. He could tell that the boy was deep in thought and was in considerable stress following the drama during his school holidays and the silly trial that Fudge put him through. Occasionally Harry would glare up at him in dislike and continue with his potion making. 

Severus had been conspiring for weeks on how to gain a blood sample from the boy for testing. It did not need to be a lot of blood, a simple drop of blood, but he wanted enough for further tests. Paternity testing was one thing, determining what transfiguration spells had been cast on him had been another. He could use hair but blood was more specific and hair had a habit of being contaminated.

“Students,” he called out to the class, “You have ten minutes to finish brewing, flasking and finally pack up. That means you too Potter. I can see you taking too much time.”

“But I am going to be finished soon, Sir,” Potter retorted.

“Did I ask you to talk back?”

“No,” Harry exclaimed, “But I will do so anyway.”

Distracting Harry was a part of his plan. This was unchallenging considering how easily the boy was quick to argue with him. Using wandless magic, he made the cutting knife at Harry’s side slip and cut his hand. This was not suspicious at all seeming as Harry was clumsy and had placed the knife in an unsafe position to begin with.

“If you were concentrating at this moment you wouldn’t have cut yourself you silly boy. I have been over knife safety too many times with this class.”

Severus walked over to the otherside of the classroom and brought out a clean white bandage, “Now hold out your hand so I can heal it up,” he said, “I suppose I need to fix it before your next class, Flitwick won’t appreciate your blood on school books.”

It was common for Severus to heal accident prone students. In fact, he healed students on a daily basis. It was easier than sending them to Madame Pomfrey and students were less likely to use injuries as an excuse to skip class. 

Harry squinted and recoiled back in defiance, “I can fix it myself thanks.”

The boy could clearly sense that this was a trap but had no idea of what kind of trap it was.

“I am simply offering you help as I don’t appreciate you bleeding everywhere,” he continued in an irritated voice, “You’re insolence is continually annoying. How do you feel like double detention Mr Potter? Because I know Umbridge has already given you detention, I can give you another detention afterwards.”

Harry relented. He was smart enough to realise that this would be more trouble than it was worth to continue arguing. 

Severus wiped the blood off the boy’s right hand with a swift movement. Harry winced at his touch. He then healed the boy’s hand with quick flick of his wand. Severus noticed that there were words etched in the back of his hand that had healed to a scar: ‘I must not tell lies.’ Harry winced and recoiled his hand. It looked painful.

For some inexplicable reason, even though he had been a bully to the boy for the last five years, he felt anger towards the boy being mistreated by that woman. Or her treating any student like this.

Harry had his name written in Dolores Umbridge’s bad book before day one. Severus had disagreements with her instatement as Defence Against the Dark Arts for multiple reasons, one was that he wanted to be professor of that subject and the other was that she was a genuinely loathsome woman. He had never had any run ins with her personally but knew people who had. The less contact with her he had the better.

“Now once you are finished Potter,” he said with contempt, “Get out of my classroom.”

Harry did not need to be told twice. He packed his belongings up and left with the other students. With exams and stress, he wouldn’t have time to think twice about what just happened.

00000000000000000000000000000

Later on in the evening, he returned from the Great Hall after dinner and marked a few assignments in his office. After an hour, he temporarily locked the front door to his office with the strongest sealing charm he knew and brought out the prepared potions. 

He cast a detection spell to check if there was anybody invisible here. He wanted to be sure that he was completely alone for this with no students or colleagues to potentially see what he is doing. Although Hogwarts was relatively safe by his standards, he could not risk anything more malicious potentially spying on him either.

He had been waiting all day for this. He felt trepidation. Part of him did not want to know the real answer but he had to know. 

The potion he decided to use was called the Identitatem potion. Although it was classified as an identification potion, its uses were more diverse than this and the potion itself was largely underappreciated. If the two sources were from the same person or from identical twins, the potion would turn blue. If the blood was from first degree relatives, such as in this case parent and child, it would turn green. The potion turned yellow if it was a second degree relative or orange if it was a third degree relation. The potion turning red would indicate that they were of no to very distant relations. He expected the potion containing the blood from Harry and himself to turn a mix of red and orange as the majority of wizarding families were intermarried and thus there would more than likely be some faint consanguinity.

It involved placing two different sources of blood into a prepared potion. He poured the potion into a brass basin and placed a drop of blood from each of the small vials he collected. One vial contained the blood he extracted from cloth he used to wipe Harry’s hand and the other vial used his own blood collected from a cut finger. 

The potion turned green. A very bright lime green.

Severus needed to take a seat. He became lightheaded and felt faint. Although never in his life had Severus actually physically fainted, he was coming pretty close. Being hexed by Potter and his gang as a thirteen year old until he passed out did not count as actually fainting.

He had genuinely not expected this.

Once he had calmed down from the shock, he cleaned out the brass basin so there was no evidence of this potion. Then went upstairs to his sleeping quarters to think about his next course of action. He needed to view the rest of the memories. He needed to make sure that Albus did not know that he knew the truth or rather not at this stage. A bigger fear was if someone else who might possibly know the truth revealed it to those who wished both Harry and himself harm. That might be a Death Eater who wanted to gain more favour in the eyes of the Dark Lord or perhaps Black or Lupin would perhaps use it as leverage over him.

Would there be a time where Harry would ever find out? Or would Harry go his whole life believing James to be his father? Regardless, Severus was exhausted and needed a good night’s sleep as well as some time to calculate what actions he should take.


	3. Scars

January 1970

Blood. A warm red liquid began to form a pool around the body of a beautiful young blonde muggle woman. She had been killed as a part of Death Eater training. He had used sectumsempra on her. He had no choice. This was first day of Death Eater training. He was one of several others whom had been handpicked by the Dark Lord himself to be trained up to be used for his own purposes. 

It was deemed to be an honour but Severus saw no honour in this. The sadistic side of him, the least likable side of him, enjoyed it. However, the more sane side of him reviled it.

This was a foggy memory which told him that it was an event that he found hard to remember. So far there seemed to be a lot of memories like these. Foggy or dark. It made no difference. As he viewed more and more memories, more things made sense. Things that didn’t quite make sense then became clearer to him now. 

He was inside a muggle dwelling with several other cloaked figures. It looked like an apartment which was several stories above the ground. The muggle occupants were lying dead on the floor. There were six of them, a nuclear family with four children. 

They could all kill. You could kill at the swish of a wand. What the Dark Lord wanted to see was how vile you could be. What was your limit? What were willing to do for him?

Beside him was a witch who was being trained alongside him. She had long dark hair and a very pale face. She wore black robes underneath a maroon cloak. Her lips were covered with dark red lipstick the colour of blood. Her expression was stern but at certain moments or rather moments when she was sure the Dark Lord was not watching her expression changed to that of horror for the most brief of moments.

“Fawley,” said a thick and raspy voice, “I expect you to try harder. Your potential, although great, is… stifled… by weakness.”

The woman looked directly at the Dark Lord and spoke with a clear voice said, “Yes my lord.”

Voldemort looked at her with a curious expression. His slit-like eyes glistened and squinted for a minute before.

“I see,” he spoke again, “That you are trying to remember the exact way you disemboweled a kitten for your Dark Arts class in your fifth year. Very good. Now can you do that to this muggle?”

He remembered that the woman he had trained with was Lily under a disguise. He also remembered that Lily’s occlumency was always much better than his. She also had a vivid if not morbid imagination.

With a swish of her wand, Lily made the corpse of the muggle woman burst open and all of its contents spilled onto the floor. It made the smell in the room worse.

When his memory was modified he remembered Eliana Fawley as a daughter of pureblood supremacists who was sent to Durmstrang to be educated instead of Hogwarts. According to his modified memories, she was a Death Eater whom he had plenty of dealings with. They had romantic chemistry but it never went anywhere. There were very few women Death Eaters but in his experience the women were worse than the men. He had been given a very neutral opinion of her, vicious enough to join the Death Eaters but not vicious or zealous enough to be memorable.

He now remembered that he and Lily worked together as undercover agents for Dumbledore and to a lesser extent the Ministry. This was their first lesson.

Eliana Fawley was a real person. Or rather had been until Dumbledore, the opportunist that he was, offered to trade identities as the real Eliana wanted to move to Australia and live with her muggleborn fiance. 

There were other Death Eaters in training here as well but none of them were worth remembering. It wasn’t important to remember people who did nothing with their lives other than mindlessly follow the orders of a tyrant for the sake of belonging to something. Many of them didn’t even survive training. What was more important to remember was the metallic smell of blood in the air, the red colour of the walls and the floor, the screams and the sadistic laughs. That was real and in Severus’ mind it would never go away. 

He didn’t want to revisit this part of his life. He could ignore what happened and what he did. He could take his head out of the pensieve and throw this memory in the sink but he didn’t. He needed to recall what happened with Lily and himself. He needed to recall the trauma and burden they carried together. It was the dirty work they both did so the Order of the Phoenix could save lives. 

They sacrificed the purity of their minds and souls for the ‘greater good’ and what had they both received in return? Nothing.

“Fawley,” rasped the Dark Lord, “I am somewhat amused by your display. I want to see a living demonstration. The next muggles we find you have first pick.”

Severus gave her a side look and used legilimency to communicate with her, ‘Are you ok?’

She brushed a strand of wild hair out of her eyes and replied ‘you know the answer is no.’

The best thing about using legilimency to communicate was that nobody else could hear them.

This was not the Lily Evans people mourned for when she was killed at Godric's Hollow all those years ago. That was the Lily whom had married James Potter and lived as a mother to her infant son. It was also the Lily who stood along the Order of the Phoenix as a hero towards the end. It was a Lily who was beautiful and kind.

The Lily he mourned for was the Lily who walked with him on the long lonely road of being a spy for Dumbledore. The Lily who was just as morbid as she was pretty and clever. The Lily who would cast a cruciatus curse on you to maintain a cover and then go on to fuck you all night saying that she was sorry for hurting you. This was a Lily that was as quick witted as she was wild and mentally unstable. A far cry from her good wife and good mother memorial image. 

At least people would remember nice things about Lily.

He stayed in the memory to watch another student Death Eater manage to blow up the body of a pet dog sending the innards in every direction and then listened to the high pitched screeches of Voldemort chastising the stupid fool for his lack of precision. 

He left the memory. He had seen enough. The more he watched the more he hated himself.

00000000000000000000000000000

For the rest of the week, Severus tried to act like nothing had changed. Acting like nothing was wrong when things were going to the darkest pits of hell was something he had been doing since he was a small child. The world as he knew it had turned upside down and he was still expected to act like nothing had changed.

He still became frustrated and angry with students. He still marked papers as strictly as he could. He still showed favouritism towards students in Slytherin. 

“Why so glum, Severus?” asked Professor Sprout as they ate at the Great Hall.

Severus sighed, trust people who have known him for over ten years to know him well enough to see when he was actually distressed by something. 

“Some of the new first years are turning out to be real handfuls.”

Sprout gave him her, ‘I don’t believe you’ look before returning to her food and knowing better than to press any further. 

Severus was glad to know the truth. He deserved to know the truth of what actually happened to himself and Lily even if it meant screwing up Albus’ master plan. He was constantly depressed and irritable but now he was just reminded of how truly lonely his existence really was. He could have had a family with the love of his life and his son. They would have most likely been a dysfunctional family but they would have at least had each other. He imagined that if the war hadn’t torn them apart he and Lily would have tried their hardest to raise Harry to have a happier life. He knew that this was useless fantasy and it was going nowhere. It only frustrated and angered him more.

He then looked out onto the Great Hall where he saw Harry eat slowly with a hand wrapped in bandages. It looked painful. He watched as Hermione took his plate and scooped up some more custard tart for him. In some ways the boy was luckier than Severus had been at his age. At least Harry had friends that would defend him and look after him. Severus had one friend stand up for him and he ended up being complete dick to her over it. 

There was nothing Severus could do about how Umbridge treated students including Harry. Not at this present time.

“From what I can see, the old man is a bit passed his used by date,” he could hear Dolores Umbridge exclaim from the other side of the table, “I’m not saying that Albus is developing dementia but even you have to admit some of his most recent statements are concerning. Maybe it's time he stood down.”

None of his colleagues responded to it. He knew they wanted to but it was against their better judgement. It was a mixture of anger and anxiety. He would overhear them talking out of her earshot. They were concerned and disgusted at the Ministry’s attempts to intrude at Hogwarts. Dolores Umbridge was his ‘spy’ who was sent here to supervise and judge them all. All of them knew that Dumbledore was telling the truth, they weren’t stupid, but they needed to maintain the delusion that everything was fine.

Severus found the whole thing laughable. If Dumbledore wanted to be Minister for Magic he would have done so by now. Cornelius Fudge was on some foolish delusional mental breakdown after hearing about the Dark Lord’s return. The man had been left with two choices after the disaster that was the final task of the Triwizard Tournament: either be a real leader and begin to take actions that would save thousands of magical and non magical lives or stick his fingers in his ears and say ‘la la la I can’t hear you’ until it is too late. He had made his choice very clear. Now everyone was going to suffer for it.

Severus wasn’t surprised. Fudge’s career was filled with mediocrity and stupid decisions. In recent years that included placing dementors to guard children at Hogwarts when Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban and allowing for the revival of the archaic and brutal tradition of the Triwizard Tournament. Both of which caused the death of one student and recklessly putting the lives of other young witches and wizards at risk. Especially Harry. 

He swallowed down an acid tongue whenever he saw Umbridge and swore to keep out of her way as much as he could. From a distance he noticed Minerva glaring at Umbridge with a face full of disdain. 

He remembered why he respected and liked Minerva. Not only was she a talented witch and capable teacher but she was very direct and clear in her intentions. If she hated someone they knew it. Or at least in Umbridge’s case everyone else knew it. Umbridge was clearly oblivious.

He could still hear Umbridge’s obnoxious ramblings, “The man even let a werewolf teach here. At Hogwarts. A werewolf! Does he care at all about the safety of students?”

He continued to eat in silence and observe the happenings of the Great Hall. There was nothing out of the ordinary. He looked over towards the Gryffindor table to see that Harry and his friends had left early. To his surprise, he felt a pull of longing towards the boy instead of the usual spite. Over the last couple of weeks remembered more of how he helped raise the boy himself. He wanted to regain that relationship back.

He felt a slight tinge in his pocket. It was his special galleon that he used to communicate meeting times with Dumbledore. They had no set schedule. Sometimes they could meet in private several times a week and during other times they did not meet for several months. He saw Dumbledore slightly less than usual as of late. 

He took the galleon out of his pocket and it said “9 3 8.” He wanted to meet at nine pm on the 3rd floor room 8. Even after the philosopher’s stone had been removed and destroyed, the third floor had been left deserted and unused for student teaching purposes. However that’s not to say that it had other purposes. It was frequently used for private meetings between staff and officials outside Hogwarts. The last time he was here was after Albus, Madame Maxime, Minerva and himself were interrogated by aurors after the Triwizard Tournament ended disastrously. 

Fudge may have put his head in the sand but aurors were smarter than that. Although most were not members of the Order and would likely never be, he knew that the auror department were taking silent actions. Since the Quidditch world cup there had been other Death Eater related incidences so they could not afford to be blind. The meeting, which was strictly off the record, had two main resolutions: one was the clandestine acknowledgement that Voldemort had returned although they were not properly explained how and the other was that the Triwizard Tournament would be permanently discontinued. They were also convinced that Harry was telling complete truth when they looked at the medical reports of Harry’s injuries and Cedric Diggory’s autopsy report. Unforgivable curses left distinct markers on bodies and minds. They listened to Dumbledore for ideas on what to do. Severus also told them who were likely to be informers inside the department.

The whole meeting was kept under strict confidentiality under the Fidelius Charm to which Minerva was the designated secret keeper.

There was so much that had happened over the last couple of months and this was just the beginning of what would be another difficult road ahead. The goal of the Order at the moment was to put safety measures in place despite the denial of the Ministry while protecting vulnerable people such as Harry Potter and high placed members of the magical community that Voldemort would target such as Amelia Bones. All the while preventing public panic for as long as possible.

Severus left the Great Hall in silence while deep in thought about these things. He wasn’t hungry and he had a lot to do. It was also eight forty five and he needed to be in the third floor corridor. 

When he got there Albus had already taken a seat in a dusty lounge chair. Albus was elderly but he still had all of his wits about him but even so, stress was taking a severe toll on his health. They both knew he would not live to see the end of this war. Nor did he want to. 

There were sound protection charms and privacy alarms in this room. They could not be interrupted or spied on.

“Thank you for meeting me earlier than planned Severus, I have a few things to talk about as of late.”

“It's not a problem Albus,” He said with what could be described as a cross between a smile and a frown, “Things have been becoming increasingly difficult lately.”

“We will start with the most easy thing I can ask of you,” Albus began, “When Dolores tries to take over. Can I ask of you to protect the students as much as you can?”

“That is a given, Albus. You already have my permission for such things.”

Albus smiled a weary smile.

“I have current news from my last meeting at Skullgrave Hills. The Dark Lord does not know about the official meeting we had between the heads of the auror department but he has figured out that the auror department is aware of his return. I told them that after the Triwizard Tournament and the drama with Barty Crouch Jr that they swarmed down on Hogwarts like hive of bees but as far as I was aware they came away with nothing. The Dark Lord is aware that some of his followers have not been careful enough and there has been information leaked through other means. He knows that Rufus Scrimgeour, Gawain Robards and Coraline Smith have been keeping this information from Fudge from some of his spies in the Ministry.”  
Dumbledore remained unmoved, what Severus was telling him was not unexpected.

“Do you have any idea of whom these spies may be?”

“I know one of them is Fedelius Marsh. I don’t care if he says he’s reformed or was under the imperius curse, he’s still a hardline pureblood supremacist and leaks information. I have seen Lysander Cracknell and Bede Woodhouse at Death Eater rallies. Both are even coming close to being admitted into The Dark Lord’s ‘inner circle’. There are at least one or two others that I do not know about at this stage. Also, Sabrina Selwyn who is not an auror but is a ministry clerk who organises paperwork for the Auror and Mysteries departments. She is left unsupervised more than she should be. She has given the Dark Lord copies of some very sensitive documents. Not surprising as she is a Death Eater’s wife.”

“Yes, Severus,” Albus said while scratching his beard, “Thank you for this information. I will pass it on. Your suspicions about Sabrina Selwyn have been confirmed by Ambrose Teak. He caught her looking through some documents at the Department of Mysteries. Any chance you know about what kind of documents she has been leaking?”

“Yes,” he said with eyes wide open, “The Dark Lord wants to hear the original prophecy for himself. It's a vanity project but it's important for him as it highlights what he calls his ‘destiny with Harry Potter.’”

Dumbledore stopped for a moment before speaking further, “I shouldn’t have made a record of it. I should have just dismissed it as divination nonsense. The only two people who can touch that prophecy are Harry Potter and the Tom himself.”

Severus’ heart sank, “Voldemort is not brazen or strong enough to storm into the Ministry himself at this time. He wants to keep as low of a profile as he can for now. He plans to use Fudge’s denial to his advantage for as long as possible. Right now his goals are to remain as inconspicuous as possible while still gaining followers, power and influence.”

Albus shook his head and frowned in frustration, “I have tried everything to try and convince Cornelius to listen. By the time the wizarding community at large realises what is happening it will be too late. There is nothing we can do.”

“There is a saying: ‘the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.’ Whether we can call Cornelius a good man is debatable. However, it is clear that he is fucking stupid and values his ego over doing what is right.”

This time Albus laughed a little, which was rare these days. He continued, “Cornelius is only afraid, Severus.”

Severus was not amused, “That’s not an excuse. He is putting people at danger and hosting a defamation campaign against you and Harry.”

“I am not as young as I used to be. If I was younger and I had less pressing matters to deal with at the moment I would try harder to fight him and the Ministry but right now I have to halt Tom's efforts as much as I can.”

“I also have the memory vials of this latest Death Eater rallies and meetings between members of Voldemort’s Inner circle. I hope you find the information useful. There might even be information that you notice that I have missed.” 

“This information is sorely needed. I have had many spies over the years placed as Death Eaters and you are the only one alive left. I’m not training anymore as I have seen too many of them die. Our side cannot lose you. Not now. Not ever.”

Severus felt annoyed, “I risk my life on a regular basis and nobody else in the Order makes any note of it. Every time I go to Grimmauld place Sirius still berates me. I would like to remind him that he is nothing but a useless git who sits around all day doing nothing.”

“Severus,” Dumbledore said with a weary smile, “I always appreciate your bravery in what you do for the Order. I have always appreciated your hard work even if other people do not. Remember that. Lily would have thought very highly of it. Although I wish you and Sirius would not have a go at each other at any opportunity.”

Severus looked away knowing that it was Albus who taught him legilimency and occlumency as a part of training him to spy against the Death Eaters. His new found memories give a totally different light to comments like this. It was odd knowing things that he wasn’t supposed to know. He had worked for Albus all along. It was Peter Pettigrew who heard the prophecy in the bar and betrayed Lily and James Potter in the end. This was a war where he was trained up by Dumbledore as a teenager to fight the Dark Lord. Does a simple ‘thank you’ really reward about twenty five years of hard work and devotion? Does it reward him for putting himself in real danger and through trauma that most cannot imagine? Does it compensate losing the love of his life? Ultimately the answer was no. With these new memories his new intentions were clear - to try and build a better future for Harry and by extension for other youth. There was simply nothing else he could do with himself anymore. He didn’t care about the Order. 

“I will let you know if I have anymore new, urgent information. Good night Albus.” 

He made his way back to his personal chambers without any interruption.

His Dark Mark prickled and burnt a little. Sometimes it did that without warning. It was different to being summoned by the Dark Lord which was a stronger sensation. When he went to the bathroom, the tattoo had not changed shape and therefore had not been activated. However the skin around it was pink and inflamed. There were even some blisters over some parts of ink. His body was rejecting the Dark Mark. 

He remembered Lily’s sobbing and lamenting, ‘I’m stuck with this evil scar on my body forever! I’m tainted Sev. I’ll never be a complete person again!’

He wished he could go back in time and hug her one last time, ‘You were always complete enough for me, Lily.’

He took a few sips of a simple pain relief potion and put some dittany on it so he could go to sleep. He did not sleep well.


	4. Summer Love

The next day for Severus had been surprisingly better than usual. He had a fourth year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs class in the morning which always a pretty laid back class with no deliberate troublemakers. He taught his sixth and seventh year students in the afternoon, they were the ones who were smart and studious enough to receive Outstanding on their OWLs tests in their fifth year. It was easier to teach people who were interested in learning. He did his best to push the innermost troubles wandering around in his mind out for the time being. He was very skilled at legilimency but even then he had his weaknesses. 

Now he was marking his fifth year’s assignments on the innate properties of willowbark. It was a simple assignment and he did not assign them a high word count but even then some failed at it. Everytime one of them got something wrong he would take a shot of Butterbeer Gin. It would dullen the intense boredom that came with marking assignments for almost fifteen years and his internal frustrations. He was in his private quarters and nobody would see him until morning.

Hermione Granger’s assignment was perfect and he begrudgingly gave it full marks. Most of the other assignments were mediocre including the ones written by Harry Potter and Ron Weasley who without fail, clearly used Hermione’s assignment as a template. He begrudgingly knew that both boys were smart enough to write their own assignments they just lacked the effort and confidence to write their own work. Longbottom’s assignments always surprised him. The boy had a strange obsession with plants and scored well in herbology. Neville knew a lot about the properties of plants and how to use them medicinally but when it came to actually making the potions it was always a failure. He was convinced that the boy was an idiot savant. He begrudgingly gave the assignment high marks. As the night grew on he was becoming increasingly intoxicated, he put off marking Crabbe and Goyle’s assignments for another day. He wanted to be drunk enough to forget his troubles but he did not plan to die of alcohol poisoning. Not today anyway.

There was a sharp knocking on his door, it was the specific rhythm that Albus used to greet him with.

“I’m not in the mood to talk, Albus,” he called out, “I’m sure it can wait until tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry, Severus, but this is super urgent.”

Severus could hear that Albus was using a slightly higher pitched voice than normal, it was his nervous voice. Albus was an anxious person and he was also prone to being irritable and easily frustrated. Albus’ fears were almost always justified. He rarely, if ever, showed this side of him with anyone. Albus liked his projected image of a wise old wizard with all the eccentricity and patience in the world. Or rather, as Severus came to realise, Albus felt that it was important to project that image.

With a swish of his wand, he made the empty bottles of alcohol disappear and the door open to let Albus in. 

“We lost our influence over the giants,” Albus said with a pant, “They have decided that Tom offered them more..”

Severus frowned, “Yes, I heard that Hagrid and Madame Maxime’s mission did not succeed.”

Albus shook his head, “I’m just grateful that they both came out alive. They were the best matches to appeal to giants we had. I relied on what cultural knowledge and kinship relationships they had with giants but I should have realised that despite both being half giant, the only thing they really have in common with giants was an increased height. Olympe is cultured and sophisticated. Our beloved Hagrid is gentle and compassionate. Neither appeals to the nature of giants but I had no other options. Nobody on our side is enjoys brutishness and violence.” 

“Macnair is brutish and cruel. I have to tell you that he had returned yesterday saying that he enjoyed his time there. He described his trip to France as a ‘deeply enriching cultural experience.’ Like appeals to like. We can’t fight against nature, Albus.”

“Yes,” Albus with a frown and left it at that.

Severus decided it was best to reassure Albus and act like he did not know things that he had learnt from his memory vials, “We can get through this Albus. We got through this all of this once and we can do it again. Times have changed. Prejudices against muggleborns and pureblood supremacy have declined and are more unpopular. Many of his former disciples are dead or weak in Azkaban or have abandoned him. We already have many gifted and talented witches and wizards helping us. He is weaker and more vulnerable now as well. We know what his plans are. We’ve had time to prepare.”

Albus nodded but still seemed glum, “I guess that is one way of putting it. I am glad you are on our side. I can see that you are too drunk for us to talk more so I guess this is good night and we can talk tomorrow afternoon.”

“Good night, Albus and try not to worry so much.”

With that Albus stood up and left. Severus noticed that his gait was worsening and his hand had begun to shake more frequently. There were many things that people respected about Albus. Severus respected that Albus did not lecture him about his drunkenness like many of the other members of staff did. After all, Albus was many things but he certainly was not a hypocrite. 

When he was alone, Severus muttered spitefully, “You can repay me with the truth, Albus.”

Severus opened up one of his memory vials later in the night. This one was titled July-August 1966. He would have been sixteen at this time. The contents of this vial were green with gold swirls. It was a happy memory.

He could feel the sunlight shining on his face. It was pleasant and warm. It was the Cokeworth park where he and Lily used to go as children to play. Lily was on the tire swing they had both set up for themselves and the neighbourhood kids. She was wearing a long flowing pink summer dress and her long wild red hair was blowing with the wind. He was sitting near her, watching the people walk around the park. Passers by occasionally gave them odd looks but it didn’t matter. She looked happy. He was happy because she was happy.

“Sev, what do you like about me?” she asked him bluntly.

Severus was taken back, “Well,” he started, “You have always been nice to me. Not many people are nice to me. You’re smart too, I like the conversations we have about the nature of magic and developing new spells.”

He didn’t say that he thought she was beautiful. He knew she wouldn’t like that. Lily wasn’t just a pretty face. People thought she was though.

“That is nice of you,” Lily said, “I like you too. You’re kinder than you think you are but you can be sarcastic more than you should. It’s just that most of my friends gossip about me and many of the girls in my group dislike me. I can tell, I am better at legilimency now.”

He wanted to say that they were just jealous but decided against it. Some of the girls she used to hang out with were just mean girls. Certain Gryffindor girls could be real bitches.

“Don’t worry,” he sighed, “We only have one more year at school. You don’t have to talk to those girls after if you have no desire to and I can say goodbye to Potter and his gang. ”

“I don’t think Potter and Black will have much time to pester you much this year,” Lily said with side smile.

“Why is that?”

“They have real things to worry about now. I know that James’ parents have been quite ill lately and he might lose them by the end of next year. Sirius has been kicked out of home by his shitty parents and Potter has given him a place to stay.”

“So Prince Potter now has to deal with real world shit like the rest of us?”

“Yep,” Lily shrugged, “Speaking of real world shit, I am forever in debt to you for giving me a place to stay.”

“It’s seriously no problem, Lily. When Mum died and the man I grew up thinking was my father left, I was left lost and alone. I’m glad you actually came to live with me.”

“Well, you know dad had to leave the country because he doesn’t want to get caught for financial fraud. He and my mother are in Brazil at the moment. I know that they are family but I am relieved that they are gone.”

There were many things that most people did not know about Lily. Her father was a paranoid abusive alcoholic with gambling problems. Her mother was an enabler and denialist. Her parents openly preferred her over her sister Petunia which lead to some serious hostility between the sisters. Her family were a complete train wreck but the difference between her family and his was that her family appeared totally normal from the outside. 

“Have you heard from Petunia at all?”

“No,” she looked down, “I know she stayed in the UK when our parents left but I don’t know where. Not that it matters.”

Lily got off the swing, sat down beside him and wrapped her arms around him. Lily gave him a squeeze. He wasn’t overly keen on physical contact but this excited him. Lily had hugged him plenty of times before but this time felt different.

“Sev, can you look at me?” 

He turned and looked deep into her eyes. It was a look of tenderness, affection and sadness.

“Can we make a promise that no matter what happens we will try our best to look after each other? Life is hard and it’s only going to get harder.”

“Lily, I’ve been looking out for you my whole life,” he told her, “I don’t see why that would change now. Would you do the same for me?”

Lily gave a warm smile and chuckled, “Always. I love you, always.”

She then kissed him. It took him by surprise but it was a good surprise. Their relationship had been platonic before this or at least he thought that his romantic feelings for her were unreciprocated. 

Severus knew that this memory would be of his first kiss. He remembered it in such clear detail that he could remember himself awkwardly blushing afterwards. It was a bittersweet memory and it made him sad to know that it had been hidden from him.

However it made him wonder if Lily needed him more than she genuinely loved him. Maybe it was the same for him and he needed her more than he loved and fancied her. After all, they were just two kids who grew up relying on each other because they had nobody else.


	5. Taking Flight

High above in the sky, Severus flew around the Hogwarts grounds. He enjoyed the beautiful views of the Hogwarts grounds and the peaceful feeling of the wind blowing on his body. He understood why James enjoyed flying so much but unlike James, Severus did not need a broom when he had his own wings.

‘Caw!’ he cried, it was liberating.

When Severus found out that the Marauders were animagi, his fifteen year old self decided he wanted to be one too. It was a skill that had proven itself very useful over the years. In his animal form he was able to do aerial surveillance of the grounds without being detected. He could also hide in places where he could not be seen. He did not venture out into the Forbidden Forest however, as there were beasts that had a taste for birds. Creatures such as Thestrals could eat him easily, luckily he could see those coming.

One could not exactly choose their animagus form but rather the form that they could change into reflected a mix of their inner nature and appearance. Severus had no complaints about this as being a crow suited him nicely. 

Other members of the Order and other members of staff had their suspicions about how he retrieved his information but their suspicions were never confirmed. As far as he was aware, not even Albus knew.

He flew up high over the central courtyard before resting himself on the roof of the North Tower. It was autumn. Hogwarts grounds were littered in piles of leaves that were slowly being blown away by an increasingly cold wind. There were pumpkins growing in the fields. He could even smell the faint scent of sugar and spice coming from the kitchen which was not far away. Students were enjoying chatting and having fun on a Friday afternoon after classes. 

Down below he spotted Harry and his two friends sitting on the shores of the Great Lake. They were far away from other groups of teenagers. He noticed some of them gave Harry side glances. Harry had never been particularly popular but thanks to the Ministry smear campaign against Dumbledore and Harry, he was avoided more than usual. He wasn’t seen as ‘the boy who lived’ or the ‘boy who seems to get himself into unfortunate circumstances’ but rather ‘the boy who acts out for attention.’ Even before he found out that Harry was his son and not of James Potter, he knew this wasn’t true.

Harry didn’t seem to be concerned with this though. It looked like he was trying to revise for exams but it was clear that he was just too tired to take in anymore information. He flicked through pages with dull eyes that had trouble staying open.

He looked paler than normal. Since Severus had put an end to the charms that governed his false appearance, his features were slowly changing back to what they would have looked like originally. Most noticeably, his hair colour was becoming lighter. When Harry was a child, his hair was dark brown rather than jet black. His mother Eileen had brown hair when she was younger. Thankfully, the boy would look a lot like Lily rather than him. It would not be obvious that Harry was his son but it would be obvious that his appearance had been changing. 

Ron and Hermione looked tired and stressed as well. This was more than just the typical stress that fifth year student underwent while preparing for their OWLs exams. Staying by Harry’s side was a noble thing for them to do but it wasn’t an easy one. He watched as Hermione encouraged the boys to revise with her. They were clearly trying to do so but it was a struggle.

Severus flew closer, into the tree above them so he could hear their conversation. They did not notice him. He gave a quick ‘caw’ to make himself seem like more of a crow. 

“Hermione, I swear these glasses are making my eyesight worse,” Harry exclaimed, “and I don’t know why.”

Hermione frowned, “You do look a bit out of colour. We can stop so you can go back into the dorms to get some more rest.”

“Nah, I’m good Hermione. We should keep going. I need to study.”

“Mum has a good anti migraine recipe,” Ron said, “I can get it off her if you like.”

Harry nodded and rubbed his hand, “The pain doesn’t help either. Umbridge’s detentions are the worst. Dittany can only heal so much. I’d rather a thousand detentions with Snape sorting out old school records of my dad over this.”

Severus noticed that Harry’s right hand was bandaged. He had a bad feeling about the boy being left alone with Dolores Umbridge and now his suspicions were confirmed. She was torturing him. Being spiteful and cynical was one thing, but blatantly torturing students was something totally unacceptable. He would never do something as nasty as that. The woman had to pay for this.

Ron shook his head, “You really ought to tell Dumbledore.”

“Nah, I don’t want to bother him. He has enough on his plate.”

Hermione looked like she was going to protest but decided against it.

“I wonder if Mr Crow knows the answer,” Ron said absentmindedly, “Can someone counter Oglino with a basic counterspell?”

Severus shook his tail feathers and though ‘no Ron but it would be interesting to see you try.’ 

Severus then took flight, he had heard enough for today and was feeling angry. He knew what he had to do. Albus would not be happy but the old man would just have to deal with it.

00000000  
The next memory he looked at was labelled ‘December 1967’. The contents were cloud-like with a dark blue colour. He had a feeling that is memory wasn’t exactly a happy one. 

It was Christmas time at Hogwarts and he was outside in the cold breeze. Christmas at Hogwarts was a beautiful time and was usually a pleasant time for all the students who stayed behind to celebrate but not this year. There was an anxious feeling going around the wizarding community. There were many students who elected to stay at Hogwarts this year or at least, their parents felt more comfortable with them staying at Hogwarts where it was safe.

In 1967 Voldemort and the Death Eaters were not widely recognised as the threat that they were. They were seen as more like a club or a gang. At this stage people, both muggle and wizard alike, started disappearing, were found dead or had succumbed to an ‘unfortunate accident’. Unfortunately, there were only a few people that started to make the connections. People like Lily and himself. 

He could see Lily sitting on a log by the edge of the forbidden forest. She was sobbing loudly. He was coming up to see her. Lily told him that she wanted some time alone but he was worried about her. 

“I thought it was better to check to see how you were. I know things aren’t alright. I can’t let you die from hypothermia.”

She sobbed louder and buried her head in her hands. He came closer and sat beside her on the log. 

“They rejected my application, Sev,” She said between sobs, “My application to be a student healer was rejected. They said that I couldn’t afford the tuition fees and they only accept students who are able to pay. The application I sent to the auror department was rejected too, they told me that they rejected it because they felt that I didn’t have the mental stamina to be an auror. I bet they didn’t even read Slughorn’s recommendations.”

Severus frowned, “Mental stamina? What does that even mean?”

She shrugged and looked away.

“Lily,” he told her, “You are the top of our class in everything. You have battled and overcome things they will never know about or understand. Besides, there is always a position for you with my freelance alchemy and potion making service I am planning to set up after Hogwarts.”

With a swish of his wand, he cast accio on a stick nearby and when it fell into his hand he tranfigued a flower onto one of the branches then gave it to her. She picked the flower off and put it into her hair.

“Thank you,” she said with a weak smile, “At least I am not completely rejected. You are my second offer. Dumbledore sent me one. He told me that it was an opportunity that I would find fulfilling and would make use of my talents. It wasn’t advertised. Apparently a very selective offer.”

Severus was a bit taken aback, “Lily, he sent me one too. I don’t understand why though. ”

Severus remembered. This was the offer that Dumbledore offered to students he thought would do well as Order of the Phoenix members. That was how he and Lily were recruited.

She smiled, “Audrey Peyton was given a secret offer as well, she hasn’t told anyone. I read her mind. I can’t say that I know of anyone else who has.”

“Out of all the girls you hang out with,” he told her, “I don’t mind Audrey. She’s less obnoxious compared to the rest.”

“Oh come on, Sev,” Lily said, “Even you like her.”

During their time at school, there were only ever had two other Gryffindor girls that Lily could say were her actual friends. One was Audrey Peyton and the other was Margaret Worthing. 

“Ok,” he admitted, “So I will admit that I like Audrey as a person. Even though she’s an obnoxious Quidditch fan and had a crush on Potter when we were third years.”

She laughed a little but she was still very sad, “Thanks for making me feel at least a little better. It’s been horrible. It's been hard since Margaret had gone missing last summer. I should have helped her. I should have talked her out of going to London alone. I should have gone with her.”

Severus shook his head, “There is no point worrying about what we could have done differently.”

There was a rustling in the bushes. Without even thinking, Severus morphed into his crow form and flew into one of the nearby trees. Lily brought out her wand and pointed it in the direction of the sound of rustling. 

Out of the bushes came a tall stag. It raised its head tall and gave out a tempermental grunt. He could tell that the creature was unhappy with her. 

“There is no reason for you to be here, James,” she said firmly, “You should mind your own business.”

Within a couple of seconds, the stag transformed back into James Potter. At seventeen, James was more sullen and quiet compared to how he was one year ago. He was still just as arrogant but it seemed as though he did not have the time for his previous shenanigans anymore.

Severus stayed silent up in the tree. It was better if Lily handled this herself without his intervention. He would likely make things worse if he got involved. 

“Is everything alright Lily? I overheard you talking to someone. You sound really upset.”

Lily gingerly placed her wand back into her pocket though she was still on guard.

“I am fine. I just need some time to think things through.”

“You really shouldn’t stay out here. There are dangerous things lurking in the forest.”

Lily frowned and started to become more frustrated, “Since when has something being dangerous ever stopped you and your gang. I feel much safer here with the trees and the beasts than I do around people in the school who could potentially be future Death Eaters or spies for Death Eaters. I just want some time alone.”

James started to look around, “Since we are speaking of future Death Eaters, I can tell when Snivellus is around. I can sense his presence like a bad smell. He’s no good Lily.” 

“He’s not here,” She said, Severus could tell she was starting to get upset now. James didn’t seem to get the hint. That or he didn’t care.

James shrugged it off, “I’m just worried about everything. I heard about what happened to Audrey’s family. They died in a house fire. Her mother, father and brothers all died. He’s targeting the muggle relatives of muggleborns. What if your family is next?”

“My parents will be travelling the world for the next couple of years. Work related stuff. My muggle sister has gone with them. I don’t need to be worried about them.”

This wasn’t a complete lie but it wasn’t exactly true. Lily knew this would reach the ears of people who would spread this knowledge to Death Eater spies. Even when her family was abusive and dysfunctional she felt the need to protect them. Severus couldn’t say that he felt the same way about his family. 

“Have you heard from Margaret Worthing? She’s been gone for too long. She just disappeared and nobody seems to be looking for her. They say she’s just a runaway. The Ministry doesn’t care. It’s sad.”

It was at this point that Lily began to become really upset. She broke out in tears again. 

“She’s not coming back, James!” Lily yelled, “She’s gone! They killed her! I just know it! I can’t feel her alive anymore! I want you to leave!”

‘Caw! Caw!’ Severus called out as if to say, ‘I’m warning you, James.’

James looked up to see him. James pointed his finger towards Severus sitting up above and turned to Lily.

“You’re trusting the wrong man, Lily,” James said with annoyance, “Snivellus will end up betraying you. He’s a bad man who plays around with dark magic. I suppose you’ll end up having to live with that choice.”

Lily turned away from him, “You should mind your own business, James.”

He watched as James turned and walked away clearly feeling frustrated.

Severus came out of the memory feeling sad. He remembered what he had written underneath Lily’s note. ‘I BETRAYED YOU IN THE END DIDN’T I?’ There was a deeply painful sensation in his chest like James had been right in the end. There was a clear block to this memory. He did not want to remember it. It was too painful to remember.

For his sake and Harry’s, he needed to know more of the truth. He was remembering more and more by the day. Somethings, like happy memories of Harry growing up came easily but others like remembering who Audrey Peyton was needed to be unlocked so he could uncover more. He was remembering small aspects of her. A thin woman with a mousey face wearing dressed in nice professional robes. She worked for the Ministry as a spy for Dumbledore during the First Wizarding War but he couldn’t remember what she did exactly. He could smell the awful perfume she used to wear. He got the strong sense that bad things happened to her.

Later on, he went to the library archives and looked through all the archives to see if he could find any records in relation to an Audrey Peyton. The only thing he could find that mentioned her name was a death notice written in the Births, Deaths and Marriages section of the Daily Prophet. 

‘In remembrance of Audrey May Black nee Peyton, 1950 to 1992 who passed away tragically of complications from Post Cruciatus curse Syndrome. Beloved wife and caring mother to two young daughters. There is only one true happiness in this life, to love and be loved. It was a blessing to be loved by you.’

He was about three years too late. Audrey would have known the truth about what happened over those years. She could have told him. She would have died a very slow painful death. Like the Imperious curse, the Cruciatus curse could leave the sufferer permanently damaged. It would have meant a lot to him to be able to reconcile with one of Lily’s closest friends before she died.

**Author's Note:**

> Note: I have written it so that Severus, Lily and the Marauders are ten years older than they are in cannon.
> 
> Although my writing skills are not excellent, writing fanfic helps me unwind from work stress so thanks.


End file.
